I can tuck mytits in my pants
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
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