Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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