I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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