my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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