Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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