I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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