Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
