I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There's always time for handjobs
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Randomize
