you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
