I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
