Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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