we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
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