Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
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