chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
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