I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Randomize
