We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
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