M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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