I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
