Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
omg. MEgabus. stoned.
Theres these two guys talking.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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