I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Rumble strips road head = magical
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
