We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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