A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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