totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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