Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
farters have to be the big spoon...
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
