Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
