I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
Randomize
