Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
