Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
