Your mouth is God's brothel.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
