Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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