I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
