I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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