Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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