You're completely useless in the revolution.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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