I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
Randomize
