All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
