Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
