i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
