I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
