I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
