Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
my god I love twenty year old dicks
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
