I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Randomize
