I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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