I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
well you can't waste a boner
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
