shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
