I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
I know it's anime porn but I promise you the guy looks like Fred Durst
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Randomize
