i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?
No, I did. It's a long story.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
