1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
