Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
