He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night�
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
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