woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
